The word Tantra conjures up ideas of mind-blowing sex. Although this is part of it, the foundations of Tantra are rooted in spiritual practice, enlightenment, and a deep intimacy with oneself. It is typical for westerners in our addiction to instant gratification to want to just skip to the orgasm. However, building a strong foundation of solo practice is an essential first step to reaching the peaks of ecstasy. It is through this intimacy and enlightenment that one can begin a spiritual practice with a partner and achieve higher levels of awareness, and affection. If you have a history of sexual trauma or have shame around your sexuality, these practices can be profoundly healing. However, you should work with a trained psychotherapist if you find they are too challenging, or if they trigger repressed negative emotions that are overwhelming.
The following are five suggestions for building up confidence and self-awareness so that you can have a more profound connection and more fulfillment with yourself, a partner and with the world.
- Meditations
Just like yoga is connecting the movement to the breath, Tantra is about connecting with another through the breath. The first step to practicing this on your own and connecting with your body is through breathing and meditation techniques.
Practice ocean or ujjayi breaths. Lay down in a comfortable position, bend your knees so that your lower back is settled and put your hands on your belly. Inhale deeply and when you exhale concentrate on relaxing stomach. As you breathe, narrow your throat passage enough to create a rushing sound that resembles the noise of the ocean or the sound of slight snoring. Think of softening in and letting go of all the tension from the lower part of your body. Continue to breathe through your nose on the inhale and exhale. Let the breath come down to the pubic bone and then let go. Do it for at least 12 breaths. This meditation is powerful for awakening your energy body and releasing sexual trauma.
Next practice ecstatic breath. Breathing in through your nose down into your belly, imagine that you are drawing life energy from the universe all the way down into your genitals to awaken this sacred part of you gently. As you breathe out, allow yourself to relax and surrender to the mysteries of your body, letting your sexual energy spread upwards from your genitals through your whole body. Practice this for 3 minutes a day to start.
- Affirmations
One of the most common blocks men and women have to great sex and intimacy is insecurity with their bodies. It is common for us to glance in the mirror and criticize the way we look. One way of counteracting this negative self-talk is through the practice of positive affirmations. However, it is best to start off saying realistic statements that feel honest rather than telling ourselves things that don’t feel true or remind us of our insecurities. Here are some examples of affirmations to get you on the right track with a healthy body image.
“I am open to the possibility that I could love my body.”
“I am learning to love my body just the way it is.”
“I am thankful for all that my body does for me.”
“My body is my friend.”
After practicing this for some time or for those who are more secure with their bodies, practice standing naked in front of a mirror and noticing the things that you perceive as acceptable or ok. Start with your head and if you feel good or ok about your hair, you can say, “I like that my hair is straight and low maintenance.” If you don’t feel great about a particular area, you can skip it and just move on to an aspect that makes you feel better. After some time, you might notice that there are more and more things you find to appreciate about yourself.
- Pay attention to your pelvis
Due to sexual trauma, unsatisfactory sex or other emotional blockages, we can start to numb out our pelvic region. Before practicing tantric sex, it is essential to re-connect or strengthen our awareness of our reproductive organs.
One way to do this is through exercising the pelvic floor. Kegel exercises also prevent prolapse, urinary incontinence and ultimately lead to more powerful orgasms. There a few ways to locate your Kegel muscles. You can insert a finger into the vagina, and try to squeeze the muscles surrounding it. Or you can practice stopping the flow of urine when urinating. Once you have located your pelvic floor muscles, contract these muscles for 5-10 seconds, then relax, repeating 10-20 times. You can breathe normally during the exercises and practice these in the car, at a boring business meeting or in line at the grocery.
Another exercise for activating sexual energy is to bend your knees, isolate your pelvic bowl, and rock it back and forth. This motion is a slight thrusting movement that awakens the serpent or kundalini energy at the base of the spine. Make sure you continue to practice ocean breaths while performing this exercise.
- Heart opener
Another vital aspect of tantric sex is a connection through the heart chakra. However, just like the pelvic area can go numb through trauma or past hurts, the heart chakra can as well.
The first step is to become aware of the heart’s messages before trying to open it.
To do this begin by sitting in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Focus your attention on your heart chakra, in the middle of your chest, and be aware of your heart as a space. Imagine the heart like an empty cave with a subtle light inside. This light may appear as white, pale pink, or blue. There is no right or wrong color. Just relax and feel whatever comes up. Next, breathe gently into your heart. You may want to visualize a soft light or soothing sensation entering the cave of your heart. As you breathe, ask your heart what it needs to say. Again, there is no reason to force anything, just allow your heart to express any messages it might be trying to send. For the next 5 minutes, sit and listen. If you drift off, that is fine. Just gently bring your attention back to the heart chakra. Your heart will begin to release emotions, memories, and dreams long stored inside. Powerful feelings or memories might come to the surface, changing your breathing or causing tears. Let the experience be what it is and remember that it is healthy to release this stored and blocked energy. After you have been practicing connecting to your heart and releasing old wounds or emotions, you have created space which allows you to open your heart to give and receive more love.
An exercise to open your heart is to sit in a cross-legged position, taking slow, deep breaths and focusing on the heart chakra. Start with your hand on your heart and with an inhale, reach your arms and hands as far out to the side as possible. As your arms extend, say, “I am open to fully receiving and giving love.” On the exhale, scoop up all of this beautiful, loving energy and place your hands on your heart, allowing love to enter into your heart cave. You can imagine this being in the form of a pink or soft light or warmth. Repeat this for 5 minutes, allowing whatever sensations or emotions to come into your awareness.
- Mindfulness
One of the keys to experiencing great tantric sex is by becoming fully aware of all the sensations in the present moment. In our busy modern-day life, we often barely allow ourselves to be present at all. Therefore, it can take practice to build the muscles of being mindfully aware of the present moment and drinking in our sensations.
One way to begin a mindfulness practice of our sensations is through taste. This chocolate meditation can not only connect us to our senses but is a great way to start indulging ourselves. To do this meditation, chose a piece of chocolate that you most enjoy eating. Begin by sitting in an upright and relaxed position. Open the chocolate, slowly and notice any urges, sensations or feelings of anticipation. Next, look at the chocolate. Consider its texture, color, weight. Then, smell the chocolate – does the smell trigger any other senses? Place the chocolate in your mouth but do not eat it. How does it feel as it melts? Notice where in your mouth can you taste it. Notice the consistency as it melts and pay attention to your teeth, tongue and all parts of your mouth as you move the chocolate around. Does the taste change at all? Next, swallow the chocolate, focusing on the sensation. Is there a lingering taste? How do you feel physically and emotionally? Take a little while to consider the experience and maybe journal anything that came up during the exercise.
Next, try tantric touch. Begin by laying down in a comfortable position and breathing slowly with ocean breath while relaxing your belly. Then slowly begin lightly running the tips of your fingers on your arms. Pay attention to what your hands are doing and be fully present, not thinking about what comes next. If you are fully present, inspiration will guide what to do next. Keep both hands on yourself at the same time for this connects different energy circuits throughout your body. Try putting your hands together over your heart, sacrum or any chakra. Try a range of body touches from very light and very slow to occasionally harder and faster. The difference between tantric caress from any other form of touch is the awareness of your movement and breath. Just allow yourself to move and stroke anywhere you are drawn without judgment. Thoroughly drink in any sensations and let the present moment take any shape that it will.
As you continue to build your tantric practice, your heart and root chakras will become more alive, and your awareness of your sensations will grow. It is common to notice feeling more connected to yourself and others and sensing pleasurable feelings like never before. Then practicing Tantra with a partner not only becomes more comfortable but much more pleasurable. Consistently using these practices will also lead to more love, awareness, and intimacy with yourself and others. These exercises can be especially healing for women and men who have been conditioned to feel shame around their sexuality. However, if you find they trigger unresolved sexual trauma, please seek the help of a trained psychotherapist.