It’s the most wonderful time of year again, but it’s not the most hap-happiest season for all. If your family tree bears narcissistic fruit, your holidays might be filled with doubt and fear instead of holiday cheer.
Maybe your mother finds subtle ways to take digs at your single status. Or your sister wants to one-up you every chance she gets. Your father can’t stop making comments about your weight. Or your brother who cannot stop bragging about how much money he has earned this year.
Narcissism has been on the rise in recent decades, and while only 6% meet the diagnostic criteria, narcissism exists on a spectrum where most families could have at least one member with narcissist traits. The diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder include a lack of empathy, entitlement, arrogance, manipulative tendencies, and exploitive behavior. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, understanding, compassion and an ability to take accountability and make compromises. Therefore, bonds with a narcissist are not only tricky; they cause inevitable harm.
Narcissists are like the chocolate Santa that looks solid, but you find out is full of air when you bite into it. Their perfectly molded outside is just as fragile as a glass Christmas ornament. Despite appearances, they often feel empty and desperately look for others to fill their egos and give them their narcissistic supply.
The holidays can be especially triggering since they might feel vulnerable and disconnected. However, they simultaneously can find it rewarding because there are many ways for them to feel bigger and better. Hosting parties can make them feel superior and in control, and gift giving can be a way of expressing their entitlement, exploiting others for having less than or manipulating to show their preference.
That’s why it’s essential that you practice these techniques and give yourself the gift of protection and self-love this year.
Firm boundaries
It’s not the time of year for people pleasing. You might disappoint or upset some family members, but ultimately your priority needs to be protecting yourself. You are never obligated to do anything that is going to bring you physical, mental or emotional harm. Depending on where your family is on the narcissist continuum and where you are with your recovery from abuse, you might need to uphold the no-contact rule. If you cannot get out of seeing this relative, then it is essential to keep a safe distance whenever possible. Invite a trusted friend to come along as a buffer or have a plan with your S.O. that includes shielding and exiting strategies.
Disarming Techniques
If you find yourself snarled in the narcissist web of attacks, hostility or gossip, learn how to disarm the situation and untangle yourself, so you don’t get in deeper. Try to stay calm by practicing breathing techniques or mindfulness.
Remember some key phrases to disarm their attempts to attack and criticize. One technique is to come from a stance that says, ‘I’m ok, you’re ok.’ This communication style validates you and them at the same time. An example is, “I understand your concern regarding my love life, but I am not interested in discussing my dating life right now.” When you’re able to remain neutral, calm, and speak rationally, the narcissist has to go elsewhere for their supply and will.
Self-Care
Self-care means not overindulging in alcohol, sugar or foods that will leave you feeling depleted and bad about yourself. Exercise and get plenty of rest. Try to bookend any time with the narcissist with relaxing activities. Surround yourself with caring people. Or spend some quality time with yourself indulging in your favorite book, going to the spa or watching your favorite holiday movie. If the ghosts of Christmas past come to the surface, you can journal or talk to a trusted friend. Focus on making holiday traditions that create safety and meaning for you.
If you haven’t worked on your recovery in this area before, it could be beneficial to talk to a psychotherapist who specializes in adult survivors of narcissist abuse. Whatever this holiday season brings, know that you’re not alone, and help is out there.
