“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
-Buddha
When I first heard these words during a meditation retreat, I was struggling to get over a difficult break-up and feeling rejected and completely unlovable. Although I could intellectually understand the concept of loving myself, the feelings that came with the idea were disgust, and then guilt for the disgust. However, instead of continuing to run from the familiar shame spiral, I began to go within. So, I sat with it. I held the ideas of not-enoughness, the feelings of worthlessness, and the memories of abandonment in a compassionate embrace. I saw the little girl inside of myself that just wanted to be held. Then I held her. It was a breakthrough moment in my ability to begin loving myself. Instead of conceptualizing love like an adjective, I began treating it like a verb.
I didn’t have the word for it at the time but I knew what I was giving to myself wasn’t the usual ‘tough love’, but a softer, more accepting, and understanding love. In essence, it was self-compassion. Since then, thanks to the work of Kristin Neff and many others, we have scientific evidence of the importance of self-compassion and know what steps to take in order to cultivate it.
Self-Compassion is the foundation for success.
Studies have shown that self-compassion, not self-esteem, increase motivation for improvement. Low self-esteem can lead to depression and high self-esteem can lead to narcissism. And both are problematic for providing the drive needed to succeed. The reason is that self-esteem is dependent on our achievements, failures, and comparing ourselves to others. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is based on giving ourselves the kindness and love that all people deserve. Therefore, people with self-compassion find it easier to forgive themselves, see their faults in a rational way, and therefore improve after making mistakes.
Healthy relationships are rooted in self-compassion.
A study conducted by Kristin Neff and colleagues suggests that self-compassion is a stronger predictor of positive relationship behavior than self-esteem or attachment style. Although our culture has glorified self-esteem and traditional psychotherapies have prioritized treating anxious or avoidant attachment styles, it seems as though the true cure could be in cultivating compassion. When we are able to show kindness to ourselves we are able to demonstrate that for others.
Self-Compassion is the key to happiness.
We all succumb to the cultural pressure of proving our worth from time to time. Advertisers would love for you to believe that you’re not good enough and that you need material things to keep you happy. Many of the people we know, love have perpetuated the myth that our happiness is dependent on gains from the outside world. However, studies show time and time again that self-compassion is a greater predictor of happiness than self-esteem driven by outside influences.
So how do you access this life-altering, soul-shifting, love enhancer? It’s actually easier than you would think.
Steps to cultivate self-compassion
Through her extensive research, Kristen Neff has conceptualized that self-compassion contains these three components.
Mindfulness
Cultivating mindfulness and self-awareness is an important aspect of self-compassion. It requires that you mindfully accept the moment as it is and then embrace it with loving kindness. The muscles of compassion, kindness, and mindfulness take time to build. Sometimes paying attention or becoming aware of our emotions can cause additional repressed emotions to come to the surface. It is helpful to join a mindful self-compassion group or see a therapist that is trained in mindful self-compassion. You can also begin an alone practice by using many of the loving-kindness meditations found online. One that I highly recommend is Kristin Neff’s that you can listen to here.
Humanity
“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we are all in this together.” – Brene’ Brown
Many times, we can be so overwhelmed with grief, despair, regret, or anger that we forget to look around and see that we are not the only ones. Practicing common humanity is as simple as remembering to acknowledge that it exists. After you have noticed that you’re in a place of suffering, you can place your hand over your heart, or wherever you’re feeling the pain, and say to yourself, “we all struggle in life.” You can bring to mind others that have gone through similar things or have felt this way before. It sounds simple, but remembering that we are not alone removes the extra layer of shame and isolation that too often we heap on top of our pain.
Self-Kindness
We can practice self-kindness by imagining and talking to ourselves as if we were talking to a friend. For example, the next time you make a mistake notice the language you are using toward yourself. Now imagine you’re talking to your best friend. You would probably never speak to anyone, let alone a friend, like that. So why would we speak to ourselves that way? Instead, after making a mistake, it is better to speak to ourselves in a kind and compassionate manner. A good example of practicing all three of these steps can be to take a Self-Compassion Break. You can find a guided example of this on Kristin Neff’s website found here.
We all face challenges, experience suffering and are critical of ourselves from time to time. Practicing kindness, recognizing our humanity, and accepting our faults, not only leads to greater wellbeing, it also allows us to be our most authentic self. When we feel free to just be, we can truly live a life of connection, contentment, and joy.